Category Archives: Cartoons

A Labor Heart

I wonder what it means

to have a good Labor heart;

does she beat with steady rhythm,

or does she stop and start?

Would she race, when faced,

with a good, Labor agenda?

Or is she close to breaking,

and there’s nothing that can mend her?

Treasurer Wayne Swan released a statement last night slandering Kevin Rudd, who has just resigned as Australia’s Foreign Minister while abroad in Washington.

Swan’s negative, personal attack on a colleague is not particularly noteworthy, given the current tone of political debate in Australia. What is interesting, however, is his gentle invocation of a loving mother figure in Prime Minister Gillard.

A far cry from the “barren”, spinster-ish character who coldly disposed of Rudd in taking the Prime Minister’s office, Swan alludes to Gillard’s “heart” not once, but twice. He said she has “a good Labor heart”  and “has always known in her heart … something Kevin Rudd has never understood”.

If we see it Swan’s way, Labor will be left with a choice at its leadership ballot on Monday between Kevin – an apparently arrogant, self-important control freak – and the loving, open-hearted, patriotic Julia.

We don’t need to create caricatures of our politicians – they do it for us.


Teenagers

It wouldn’t be a proper blog without tardiness, failed promises, broken commitments, tautologies, and just generally going AWOL without explanation.

Here’s some stocking filler (it’s already Christmas at Coles):

© 2011 The Cultured Animal


Rabbit holes and rodent hutches

A Book is Finite.

How satisfying is it when you get to the end of a book? Good or bad, it doesn’t matter – that finiteness gives you a satisfying sense of accomplishment. The extent of your efforts is tangible: the length of the page count, the weight of the tome in your hands. You can file it away in your bookcase, on that shelf for all the other books you’ve devoured. (Underneath the shelf for books you’ve yet to read, but above the shelf for the books who still have bookmarks wedged up their dusty fannies, whom you are desperately trying to forget.) Perhaps yet the most exciting part of finishing a book is the thrill of thinking about what to start reading next.

The Internet, on the other hand, is seemingly infinite. Short of joining an ascetic monkhood ensconced in some remote tropical hills, you will never, ever be done with it. (Even when you die, a cyber imprint of yourself, however small or obscure, will no doubt continue.) Opening your browser is like being Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole. No wonder that rabbit was always late – too many distractions down there.

I’m not one of those Internet-fearing catastrophists, no. I’m awed by its palatial garden of promises – even if it doesn’t always deliver the roses. Even if Nicholas Carr says it’s emptying my brain out. And so these and many other reasons are why the love I have for the Internet is a cautious one. Kind of like the love one might have for one’s parents if they’d been a bit lax in their child-rearing skills. Necessary, but not always pleasant or fruitful. Wary, but unshakable.

I get quite dreamy when I think about its utopian possibilities, and more than a little bit worried when I think about all the bad directions in which things could go.

The next few posts here at The Cultured Animal will explore some of those big possibilities – utopian and dystopian, idealistic and practical – that our cybersphere presents us.

Addendum

I know this doesn’t really count as a post. Sorry, I’m incognito. My pet ferret has borrowed the swivel chair, and this is what he has to say to you:*

1. HELP, HELP! I THINK I’M FALLING INTO THE INTERNET!

2. Do electric ferrets eat Astroturf?

3. You might find the answer here.

© The Cultured Animal 2011

*If my pet ferret had really taken up residence on the swivel chair, it’s curious that he should be presently writing about himself in third person. Well, greater minds have failed. Let’s not discount the strange and populist power of rodents just yet. Look at Mr Rabbit. (Sorry, Abbott.)


New Skills for a New World

The Cultured Animal recently tuned in to the always fascinating Australia Talks program on ABC Radio National. For those who don’t know the station, it’s nerd radio, and will fill your brain with wonderful things. (I may be harbouring secret ambitions to replace our number one crush Phillip Adams when he eventually … Well, let’s just say he’s not getting any younger.) For those who don’t know Australia Talks, it’s probably the only talkback program you should ever subject your ears to (because even Biggsy is still a left-wing bigot).

On this particular night the program focused on Australia’s growing service economy, fuelled by the time-poor among us who work so much we can’t clean our own bathrooms. Even if we did have the time, when it comes to doing, say, some of the Mr Fixit things around the house (or vehicle), many of us no longer have the necessary know-how that previous generations did.

It may be easy to view these trends as an indication of how sad we’ve become as a society, and I’m inclined to agree with one listener who commented that it’s a sorry state of affairs indeed if parents no longer have time to spend with their children. (Although this is surely opening up a can of worms, possibly feminist worms, and I don’t want them crawling all over me, so let’s just agree to leave the can shut for now, okay? Good.) It may be equally easy to view any loss of Mr Fixit or or Miss Needle-and-Thread skills as an indication that we are becoming stupider. Or lazier, in the case of outsourcing some of the more thrilling ‘chores’, such as cooking or cleaning.

I’ve put chores here in inverted commas because, as some listeners argued, mundane tasks can sometimes be therapeutic. Nothing like scrubbing the caked-on grime off the ol’ oven to get you feeling really at peace with the world. But these everyday tasks may also provide a more profound function: that of reconnecting us to our biological imperative for survival.

The Survival Scale

We have always remained, as human beings, connected to this survival instinct to some degree or another. Else, we would simply cease to live (or cease to be human). And by degrees I mean, for example, the degree between hunting down a wild boar, ripping it to shreds with a pair of overdeveloped incisors and then wearing its skin during winter; versus, say, buying some Chinese takeaway after a hard slog along Chapel Street foraging for bargain Ugg boots.

And such are the luxuries of contemporary civilisation*, many of us now have the freedom to choose just how far along this scale we might park our arses. Yet that place will probably never be static. You might weed your dear little garlic plants with your bare hands of a morning; download Cowboys and Aliens onto your laptop and tweet about it over a glass of imported Shiraz come evening. You know, mashing things up a bit. It’s all about the mash.

Your cherry-picking of life on the Survivor’s Scale may be deeply personal and conscious, as the retiree who embarks on a mission to free themselves of their worldly possessions and migrate to Costa Rica; or it may be altogether less thought-out, as the tech-savvy Gen Y who ensconces themselves in as much social media as possible through no other cause than an overabundance of time and a sneaking addiction.

Stop the Hysteria!

Viewing the growing trends in outsourcing of areas of our personal, day-to-lives as some kind of debased, immoral reflection on civilisation is really quite absurd when you consider that humans have been getting machines and other humans to do things for us for a very, very long time. Mechanisation and outsourcing merely represent more indirect routes to achieving the same end that we once might have pursued autonomously (ie. our biological imperative), but hinged onto the complex processes of civilisation. Any further developments in this direction, aided by our world of rapidly advancing technological gadgetry, are simply the next steps in the perpetual project of civilisation.

If we choose to live our lives towards the end of the scale, which will move ever further from its original, hands-on-the-dirty-dishes benchmark, the sacrifice may indeed be that we personally lose some skills, and that we distance ourselves, intentionally or otherwise, from that base survival instinct. But we also gain a whole bunch of other skills (even if those skills actually lie in the capabilities of our digital tools, rather than in our own personal ingenuity). My Nanna has probably never even seen the Internet, let alone dreamt what she could do with it.

New Skills for a New World

If our digital revolution is a cultural revolution on par with the impacts following the arrival of Gutenberg’s printing press, what amazing new roads might we travel down? There’s plenty of hoo-ha about how the Internet is making us stupider, mutilating our attention spans and whatnot; but what about the boon for lateral thinking it might create? It’s so easy to follow a train of thought in so many directions and, with a little discipline from distraction, who knows what truths these new tools may allow us to uncover.

An extension of the Internet’s function as a brilliant tool for making lateral connections is its ability to connect us with other people, all over the world. We know it’s good at this because of the unstoppable rise of social media. Plus these days people are just as likely to seek a personal online review of a product or place rather than some officially produced document. Are we beginning to trust each other more?

The more we connect, the better we may be able to understand each other, and, hopefully, not bomb each other. We may be able to use our new tools to move towards a more positive, global, social consciousness. Perhaps we are closer to the cosmopolitan dream than we thought.**

*Yep, this is me being Affluent-Countries-of-the-World-Unite!-centric again. Soz.

**I’m well aware that I’m coming to rash, starry-eyed and barely-referenced conclusions here, and that there might be a particularly large hole in my argument regarding the role of social media in e.g. the recent riots in England; but due to time constraints I’m going to leave the argument wildly unsupported. Contest at your will. But not without checking out what Jeremy Rifkin has to say first.


Keeping Up with the Mobile-Joneses: The Emotional Trauma of Technological Development*

It is with great aplomb that your esteemed Animal can announce: I have now entered the world of smart phones. Having once thought my trusty Nokia E71 was classified as thus, I am now proved but a fool. That archaic device, as it turns out, actually suffered from severe learning difficulties and, due to not receiving the requisite nurturing (read: frequently dropping it on its head), it has now come to a tragic end. (Or has it? Oh stop, the suspense is killing you.)

Techno-Trauma

Upgrading one’s phone feels a little bit like plunging down the rabbit hole into a strange and unfamiliar landscape where things don’t quite work the way they used to. It’s two years since I changed my phone, and in that time a lot has happened. There’s a lot of catching up to do.

I missed a shift at work and blamed it on the fact that my new phone’s calendar app is surprisingly shit in comparison to my old Nokia’s simple-but-precise inbuilt planner, which I’d been using in one incarnation or another for about five years across three different models. I can’t even type properly with this new bloody touch-screen predictive text bizzo. Where’s the tactility? How can I hit the right button with my clumsy fat thumb if there’s no button to feel in the first place? Grrrr. I’m barely old enough to have children, and already they should be head-hunting me for the next season of Grumpy Old Women. (Except for the bit where I’m not famous.) (Yet.)

Suffice to say, the week has been a bit stressful.

Retro handset by Yubz. Utterly counterintuitive.

Now, if I were the sort of person who upgraded my gadgetry every time a new gimmick came on the market, this anxiety-ridden technological learning curve would no doubt have been blunted somewhat. Yet it’s not all bad. Actually, it’s kind of refreshing to be privy to a digital time lag, if you will. Not too dissimilar to a mild slap in the face, or a stiff drink after a harrowing day of navigating cubicles and paperwork. It’s a little reminder of just how fast technology develops, and how much we take it for granted.

To Upgrade, Or Not to Upgrade?

Usually whatever digital device I already own does a sufficient job at word processing, making phone calls, scheduling appointments or playing downloaded episodes of Party Down,  as to remove any need to replace it until it starts to give up on life altogether. And, as somebody who never reads technology news or reviews, I don’t have a clue what I’m missing out on in failing to upgrade regularly. Unless, of course, the device in question becomes so socially prevalent (cue, iPhone) that the hipster in me instinctively shuns it anyway by way of its mainstream popularity.

And yet still I struggle with this idea of throwing out a perfectly good phone/MP3 player/tablet thingy simply due to an unhealthy, insatiable, market-driven hunger for new features. (Quite obviously this reveals me as some kind of a freak in my generational bracket.)

There are strong environmental/anti-consumerist arguments against buying the latest, flashiest, smartest, geekiest new piece of technology as soon as it comes on the market. On the other hand, there are also strong health arguments for the regular upgrading of one’s digital assets (I refer you to previous section).

Techno-Consciousness

The answer to all this, dear techno-freaks, is to simply be more mindful of what you use and disown. Are you guilty of hoarding perfectly working (but technologically inferior) phones in a bottom drawer, like little dormant melanomas festering amongst undeveloped rolls of film and gimmicky, once-used kitchen appliances? Sure, it’s no bad thing to have a back-up phone for when your current one mysteriously goes missing during a drunken bender (cue more technological stress – did you know that a mobile phone is actually connected to your cardiovascular system and that if it’s not within ten metres’ reach you will quickly begin to die?), but if you’ve got more mobile appendages than two, perhaps consider giving a new lease of life to your dormant digital device. (You know, like donating your second kidney to a distant cousin afflicted with poor health.)

How COOL is this guy!!!

What better way to assuage your environmental guilt than to recycle your phone? In Australia, the official phone recycling program is called MobileMuster (‘muster’ sounds a little bit Grandpa, but obviously they do not have a marketing budget akin to Apple’s, because Australians do not like paying taxes). They run a joint Landcare Australia initiative to raise money for regenerating our coastline. All you have to do is print this pre-paid label and send in your crappy old phone by post – plenty easier than enduring a bush rave followed by a marathon tree-planting binge the morning after. Or, you could just take your old phone to a phone shop. Or Officeworks. Whatever. Just do it before September 30th, or you’ll have to do the hungover tree-planting marathon instead.

Techno-Branding

Well, that settles the environmental dilemma somewhat; as for the stress issue, my advice is this: don’t go changing the brand of a thing that is integral to the functioning of your everday life, unless you absolutely must, for whatever your own neurotic reasons. I’m not talking phone companies (they are all out to screw us equally) – I’m talking the make of phone.

Every time my Mum buys a new Toyota**, it feels a bit different to handle, yet strangely familiar, like New Dad as opposed to Old Dad. There’s a leap, but there’s continuity too, in simply upgrading to the next model by the same brand, allowing us to ease into the next phase of digital development.

Course, if the car is shit, change the brand.

© The Cultured Animal 2011

*A bit like the trauma after a car accident. Because technology is developing at really high speed. And if you speed a lot you will probably, um, crash.

**I hate to bring my mother into it, but this Animal has only bought one car in its lifetime***, and is therefore not a particularly useful subject here for illustrative purposes.

***Owned two. Wrote both of them off. (Cars are very bad for the environment and should all be destroyed.)


Everything but the Screen: Finding Mystery and Romance in Digital Dalliances

Walking home this wintry Melbourne night, I passed under a pair of sneakers hanging from the telephone wires above a crossroads, and was struck by how archaic that old marker of a drug pick-up point seemed. Did people really ever hang out on street corners waiting for their hooded dealer to turn up with an ounce of dope? If they didn’t just use the telephone then, they’ve got plenty more options to choose from now. I imagine an online courier business would work rather well.

Street art by Skewville

The thing is, the immediacy of personal, digital communications devices means nobody has the patience to work on that sort of a clock anymore. Except maybe in Peru, or in remote indigenous communities far from this particular inner-city street corner. In which case, pull up a pew. The telephone line’s not in use, so maybe bring a letter writing set too. I hear the postman passes round this way on Tuesdays.

The immediacy of digital technology removes a lot of the mystery from our lives, some of which can be rather thrilling. Gone is that building of excitement that comes when you just have to wait for something – like finding out who won the game when you get home from work, or waiting till Thursday night for the next episode of your favourite TV drama, instead of downloading it early or buying it on DVD from overseas (although it’s got to be said, the DVD marathon is one of today’s many pleasures). What about hanging around that pretty girl’s favourite café in case you accidentally-on-purpose bump into her? You’re probably more likely to pull off those sorts of casual, just-popping-by airs on Facebook than in the bookshop.

Technology vs. Romance?

I had the privilege of being in Edinburgh during its world-famous Fringe festival last year. One of the highlights was York theatre group Belt Up, patroned by none other than Dame Judi Dench. Belt Up went about transforming one floor of a big old building (owned by the University of Edinburgh and now only in use during the festival due to extensive fire damage) to look like the interior of a 1920s house. Inside this magical space, their wildly original and surreal comedies transported audiences back in time, to the bohemian circles inhabited by Spanish poet Federico García Lorca (Lorca is Dead), and to the home of much loved children’s author and creator of Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie (The Boy James).

My friend, a gorgeous little thing from Rome who liked to wear grandpa jackets, train driver hats and horn-rimmed glasses bigger than her face, began a romantic affair with a member of the troupe. He was quietly spoken and thoroughly British, with foppish brown hair and good, strong shoulders. Perhaps because she was so romanced by the historical setting of their plays, she refused to give him her mobile phone number. And so they were forced to rendezvous at exciting hours in the ephemeral festival bars, or chance encounters in poster-covered stairwells on their ways to separate shows.

The elimination of technology from their courting injected some magic – and indeed, romance – into what might have otherwise been an enjoyable, but more conventional, holiday fling. When the not-so-heady Scottish summer waned and the besotted couple in turn went their separate ways, there was the requisite emotion and grief; yet the memory of their time together was left intact and pure, untainted by the inevitable markers of a dying romance: the length of phone calls and text messages decreasing, the days between them increasing. The nature of their encounter seemed to distill and celebrate the very thing that matters most in relationships: direct, in-person communication.

Throwing an Electric Spanner in the Works

If technology removes some of the mystery from our lives, genre writers must be tearing their hair out. I remember once watching an episode of Buffy and shaking my head in disbelief as her party faithful ran round hysterically, crying “Where’s Buffy? We can’t find Buffy!” and imagining all sorts of perilous, vampiric ends for her. Why didn’t they just ring her mobile, duh? Panic-driving plot devices like this one can now be trumped by phoning on the run, which means the storyboarders require a little more ingenuity. I suppose the flip side is they’ve now got a lot more to work with when it comes to sci-fi monsters and techno-dystopias. Meanwhile, period dramas such as Mad Men, Deadwood or Downton Abbey are even more appealing for their old world, pre-digital charm.

There’s another way in which our communication devices cause hiccups in storytelling: a screen doesn’t look particularly exciting on another screen. Face-to-face conversation, replete with theatrical expressions and spit, is a far more compelling depiction of character interaction than texts or online chats, and even the old phone conversation. There’s something jarring about having to constantly cut between two people in different places for the duration of a conversation that already feels unnatural anyway. The requisite small talk – “Hi, how’re you going?” – is often glaringly omitted, and too frequently characters neglect to say their farewells before hanging up. (Er, rude! I think you’re de-friended.)

Digital devices provide endless fun for the person using them, but are rather boring (or irritating – think headphones up way too loud on the train) for anyone else around them. I’m reminded of one night, pre-smartphone-owner, when I went out to the pub and became incredibly fed up with my friends who repeatedly pulled out their phones and fiddled around with their apps (if that sounds a bit wrong, that’s because it is). Etiquette, schmetiquette. Us self-involved Westerners should take a leaf out of the Japanese Big Book of Social Niceties (or maybe the ever-popular Social Primer‘s blog pages), and save our personal bits for when we’re in private. No-one wants to hear you yelling at your boyfriend on the street … through a phone. And if you’re selfish enough to not give a rat’s arse about anyone else’s comfort, then at least consider how you might look to them – a bit mentally challenged.

Bringing back good manners: Boston based artist Nick Rodrigues inside his mobile phone booth

“Carn, Show us Yer Texts!”

But technology can do some stuff that more direct interaction isn’t always so good at. Naughty stuff, for instance. It’s easy to hide behind the anonymity of internet chat rooms and proffer vitriolic comments that we’d never say to a person’s face – but removing that nakedness, if you will, of stark, face-to-face contact can also work in the positive. I’m not sure how well I’d do sexy talk over the phone, but having a greater buffer between yourself and the receiver through, say, texting, makes it easier to say a few cheeky words. Phones are still quite personal, though – you’re still giving something of yourself, opening yourself up, when you choose to give someone your phone number. For these reasons, texting is a great invention for anyone who struggles with expressing themselves intimately. Even if that’s not a problem for you (you lucky thing you), it’s still a quick and precise way to remind someone of intimacies shared. Just don’t try to say anything too deep – it may backfire.

© 2011 The Cultured Animal

Muggers are also surely benefiting from the ubiquity of personal digital devices. Who wouldn’t want to exact revenge upon an obnoxious Gen Y who’s wandering obliviously across a road, punching away at buttons, ears plugged up, stylish haircut obscuring everything but the screen? Petty theft just got a whole lot more profitable. I’m not sure why Spain’s economy should be struggling so much, what with its high incidence of pick-pockets. Sure, wired-up youngsters might be fitter than your easy-target Nan, but they’re probably about as switched on, and these days they’re sporting smart phones, headphones, iPods, iPads, netbooks, scooters and expensive sneakers. (Though if Nan’s carrying a wad of cash in her purse, your odds might still be best with her).

Perhaps that’s what the sneakers are doing are up there – they didn’t fit the thief.


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